A

ABC-123-D steps 57, 79, 428
Abuse; child 118, 121, 338
Abusive relationships 29, 295, 352
Accountability 263
Addictions
   to praise 91
   to rewards 120
ADHD 11, 65, 297-300
   diagnosing 297
   external rewards 299
   medication 300
   primary symptoms 298
   resources 311
   treating 299
   types 299
Adults
   misbehavior 336
   PU behavior 296
   types of problems 57
Advice 151, 413
   giving 177, 413
   inaccurate 41, 87
   parenting 2
   screening 23, 41, 414
Affirmations 105, 424
Aggressive
   anger 236
   communication 259
Agreements 271
   conditional 399, 408
   confirming 272
Alcohol 340
Allowances 141-143
   and chores 142
   budgeting 143
   credit 142
   three-level plan 143
Anger 232
   a-b-c steps 234, 259 
   aggressive 236, 428
   assertive 237, 428
   constructive 233
   cycle 234 
   defusing others 249 d
   estructive 233
   energy 244
   expressing 267
   flash fires 429
   healthy 233
   log 253-255
   outlets 244
   passive 236, 430
   passive-aggressive 237
   personalized plan 246
   physical effects 233
   physical outlets 245
   resources 256
   smoldering embers 431
   styles 236
   summary 252
   teaching children skills 247
   trigger buttons 243
   types of energy 244
   verbal outlets 244 
Apologies 
   conditional 267, 428
   from children 217, 360
   parental 358
Arguing 51, 75, 178, 276, 326, 347
   avoiding 327
   with parenting partners 412
Ask helpful questions 197
Assertive
   anger 237
   communication 260
   expressing anger 267
   teaching children skills 147
Attachment; bonding 91
Attention-seeking behavior 322, 324,
   342, 343
Autism 297
Autocratic parenting 32
Avoiders 34, 52

B

Balanced parenting 37, 48, 50, 52
Baths 135
Bedtime 69, 129, 132, 274, 291
   problems 378
   routines 132
Behavior charts 120
   and ADHD 299
Behavior goals 342, 343
   identifying 321
   shifting 327, 328
Behavior modification 119, 428
   (also see “Behavior charts”)
Beliefs 45, 235, 237
   aggressive 236
   assertive 237
   backpack analogy 158
   balanced parenting 37
   choosing 235
   helpful 236
   negative 235
   Over-controlling 28
   Over-Indulger 35 passive 236
   passive-aggressive 237
   Perfectionistic Supervisor 31
   Power Patrol 30
   religious 41, 286
   rewriting 51, 237
   Under-Controlling 33
Bickering 214
Bike safety 307, 347
Biting 72, 218
Blaming 177, 263, 428
Blended families 271, 347
   discipline in 360
   family councils 388
Body language 182, 265
Boredom 346
Borrowing 270
Bossiness 136, 270
Brain research 91
Brainstorming 200, 276
   (also see “Problem solving”)
Bribery 117, 428 
Bullies 199, 216 

C 

C/P problems 70, 259
Career decisions 155
Car seats, resisting 378 
Child abuse 118, 121, 338
Child-friendly 131, 146, 152, 428
Child problems 62, 167, 266
   taking over 168 
Child Problem Toolbox 58, 62, 166, 225 
Child-proofing 157
Choices 122-125, 326 
   adjusting as issues shift 362 
Chores 83, 133, 142, 264, 270, 271, 277 
   and allowances 142
   apprentices 145 
   goals of not doing 334
   motives for not doing 56
   young children 157
Cleaning 133, 285, 316, 334
   (also see “Chores” and “Messes”)
   teaching skills 146 
Clear Communication Toolset 58, 258
   agreements 271
   describe effect of behavior 269
   describe feelings 267
   describe what you see 266
   family councils 395
   flash codes 275
   nonverbal reminders 273
   notes 274
   problem solving 275
   PU problems 304
   quick reminders 273
   rules/limits 131, 271
   state expectations 270
   use one word 274 

D 

Dangerous behavior 67, 324, 330 
Dating 295, 310 
Death; explaining 250, 256, 402
Decision-making consensus 397
Defiant compliance 237, 325, 429
Definitions 428
Defusing anger 249 
Demanding one’s way 324
Dependency 153 

Depression 251
Destructive behavior 
   during timeouts 372
   tantrums 74 
Development 291
   delays 290, 429
   elementary 292
   infants 291
   preschoolers 292
   preteens 293
   rates 290
   resources 291
   stages 289
   style 289
   teens 294
   toddlers 291 
Disagreements
   negotiating 263 
   with partners 43, 412
Disappointment 268
Discipline 39, 56, 353 
   and ADHD 299
   canceling 357
   checklist 374
   deciding severity 357
   four R’S 354
   inconvenient consequence 368
   in family councils 395
   involve children in deciding 358,
   364, 365, 370
   logical consequences 368
   long-term effects 358
   making amends 360
   natural consequences 363
   offering choices 362
   reasonable 356, 357
   reasons to use last 11, 320, 328,
   330, 334, 368
   related 356
   respectful 358
   restrictions 364
   revealing 354
   revengeful 329, 352, 356, 357, 368
   setting time limits 356
   summary of 375
   taking action 362
   time limits 357
   time-outs 369
   tools 360
   trouble-shooting guide 374
   vs. punishment 359
   wording as a choice 362  
Discipline Toolset 59
Discouragement 61, 90, 153, 331 
Disrespect;
   toward parents 99, 126, 147, 267,
   310, 315, 330 
Distraction 305  
Diversity 149
Divorce 106, 271, 336
   effects on children 106, 339
   family councils 387, 407
   PO cycle 336  
   responding to children’s questions 154 
   stepparents 347, 360 
Domestic violence 31, 295, 352 
Don’t Say “Don’t” 125, 326 
Double standards 429
Driving 67, 155, 272, 310, 364
Drugs 328, 347, 348, 381
   addressing suspicions 340
   ADHD medication 300
   discipline for 381

E

Eating habits 89, 117, 164, 309, 422
   (also see “Food”)
Education
   (also see “School”)
   parent, self 424
Ego-esteem 87, 429
Elementary issues
   common problems 75, 309
   development 292
   early 292, 309
   independence 157
   late 293, 309

F

Failure 104, 151 
   (see “Mistakes”)
   reminding of past 264
Fairness 89
Family Councils 386   
   agenda options 390, 391
   appropriate topics 395
   benefits 387
   blended families 360, 388
   discussing discipline 395
   discussion topic ideas 403
   duration 394
   early elementary 293
   emergency meetings 50, 392
   expressing concerns 396
   formal format 390
   foster parents 388
   getting started 393 
   ground rules 395, 396
   ice-breaker activities 403
   informal format 391
   late elementary 294
   lesson ideas 401
   listening to concerns 396
   maintenance meetings 393
   making decisions 397
   pitfalls to avoid 396
   preteens 294
   problem-solving steps 397
   purpose of 386
   resources 390, 401
   roles 388
   sample agenda 404
   scheduling 394
   setting 394
   summary sheet 405
   teens 295
   time limits 394 
   trouble-shooting guide 399 
   voting 392
   young children 292, 393
Family therapy 300 
Fashion fads 307, 310 
   (also see “Clothing”)
Favoritism 89, 100
F-A-X communication 172
F-A-X Listening 179
   brainstorming 200
   family councils 396
   formula 185
   giving information 199
   identifying feelings 181
   questions 197, 198
   tools 181, 183, 303
   trouble-shooting guide 223
   when to take next step 202
   X-amine possible solutions 200 
Fears 193, 206, 226
Feelings 181
   alternatives to “angry” 267
   cartoon 183

G

Gangs 116, 218, 222 
Giving up 326, 331, 342, 343
Goals 
   family 23   
   individual 23
   setting realistic 155, 423
   societal 24
God,
   (also see “Spiritual references”) 
Gossip 295 
Grabbing 308 
Grades 268
   (see “School,” “Homework”) 
Grandparents 43
   spoiling children 422
Guilt 264, 268, 429
   self- 423
   unhealthy 264, 432

H 

Habits; resistance to change14, 247
Healthy family traits 23
Healthy paranoia 429
Hidden messages 261
Historical trends
   autocratic 32
   balanced parenting 41
   permissiveness 36
Homework 61, 73, 83, 219, 293, 294, 335
   completing 135
   forgetting 364
   time management 219 
Honesty 338
   (also see “Lying”) 
Hormones 294, 310
House diagram 1, 409
   detailed 436
Human Bill of Rights 261
Humor 130, 268, 273, 326
Hyperactivity 298

I

Identifying problems 59-60, 77
   Child vs. Parent 62 

   individual answers 59,78
   misjudging 75
   PO goals 342
   problem shifts 75
   PU vs. PO 65, 289, 319
   questions 60
   SHARP RV 60, 62
   summary 60
Ignoring behavior 304, 324
Illustrations
   cycle 234
   backpack analogy 158
   balanced independence 138
   balancing scale (3 styles) 25
   belief>feeling>action 44 C/P
   pie charts 72
   council role rotation 389
   dominoes of anger cycle 234
   fax communication 172
   feeling words cartoon 183
   growth in waves 423
   positive goals 323
   power struggles 123
   problem-solving steps 172
   with F-A-X 181
   problems are like onions 55
   toolbox>toolsets>tools 8
   volcano, stress overload 239
   volcano, trigger button 243
   when to ask questions 197
Imagination; toddlers 292
Impulsiveness 298
Inconsistent parenting styles 43, 412
Independence 138
   answering questions 154
   ask their opinion 153
   balanced limits 139
   definition 138
   elementary age 157
   handling mistakes 151
   infants 157
   let go 157
   let them dream 155
   notice the difficulty 153
   nudge, don’t push 156
   openly model behavior 144
   Over-controlling 139
   preschoolers 157
   privacy 155, 198, 214, 337
   quick tips 150
   responsibility 139, 151
   teaching skills 144
   teens 158, 295
   toddlers 157, 292
   tools 144
   Under-controlling 139
   using outside resources 154
Independence Toolset
   PU problems 303
Individuation 67, 158, 293, 294, 429
   backpack analogy 158
   safe options 68, 307
Infants 75, 291
   and discipline 368
   common problems 307 
   developmental issues 291
   independence 157
In-laws 43
   pressure/criticism from 412, 416
Internal motivation 323
Internal problem solver 173, 430
Internal recharge 430
   activities 241
   children 370
Interrupting 272, 322, 325
Intuition 423

J

Jobs 136, 156, 194, 295
Judging 96, 177
Junior high 294, 310
Juvenile delinquency 30

K

Keep Your Cool Toolset 58, 232, 252
   (also see “Anger”)
Kidnaping 118
   (also see “Child abuse”)

L

Labeling 98, 178
Latch-key children 35, 369
Lateness 156, 264, 270, 278, 364, 381
Laundry 132, 271, 274
Learning disabilities 297
Learning styles 289, 300, 428, 430
   developmental pace 290
   eight intelligences 300
   resources 311
   see/hear/do 125, 144, 300
   whole/part 55
Lectures 269, 270, 273, 279, 396
Let go 157
   poem 160
Limits 122, 428
   (also see “Rules,” “Choices,” “Clear Communication Toolset”)
Listening 179, 273
   (also see “F-A-X Listening”)
   responding to nonverbal messages 182
   response formula 185 responses 183
   trouble-shooting guide 189
Logical consequences 368
Lying 99, 337-339
   developmental stages 338
   discipline 380
   following divorce 339
   modeling honesty 286, 338
   motives for 337
   summary 340

M

Maintenance Toolbox 59, 73, 78, 384 
Makeup 154
Making amends 360
   apologies 217
   suggestions 360
Manners 235
Marriage 174
Mealtime 309
   (also see “Food,” “Picky eaters”)
   routines 132
   picky eaters 379
Mediation 204, 208, 430
Medical conditions 65, 296
   (also see “ADHD”)
Medication 300
Meditation 240, 256
Mental retardation 297
Messes 266, 270
   (also see “Cleaning,” “Chores”)
Military 41, 126
Misbehavior
   adult 336, 416
   during family councils 401
   in public 81, 412
   PU vs. PO 60, 289, 312, 319
   purpose behind 322
Mistakes 151, 103
   making amends for 361
   parental 411
Modeling behavior 99, 326
   openly model behavior 144,430
Money
   bribes 118
   budgeting 143
   earning 142
Moralizing 179
Mornings
   routines 81, 82, 156, 157
   delays 380
Motivation
   internal 91, 114, 323
   vs. bribery 119
Myths
   consistency 410

N

Nagging 69, 323, 396
Name-calling 178, 328
Natural consequences 363
No “No’s” 127, 326
No problems 61, 167, 258
Non-violence 215
Nonverbal communication 261
   body language 265
   notes 274
   signals 273
Notes 93, 274
   encouragement 93
   of apology 275
Nudge, don’t push 156, 327
Nutrition 309
   (also see “Food,” “Picky eaters”)
   picky eaters 379

O

Obedience 114, 430 
   dangers of 116 
Offering choices 122, 326, 362 
Onions; problems are like 55 
Only children 400 
Opinions 
   children’s 153, 326 
   difference of 263 
   listening to teens’ 189 
Organizing belongings 146 
Over-controlling parenting 28, 48 
Over-Indulger 35, 50, 52 
Over-stimulation 74

P

Parent education 299 
Parent Problem Toolbox 58, 230 
   when to use 230 
Parent problems 63, 167, 230, 258, 266 
Parent’s Toolshop
   field test results 4
   suggestions for use 13
   unique qualities of 2 
Parental concerns 60, 267, 269, 275, 276
   about children’s friends 221
   using helpful questions 199
Parenting 
   Avoider 34, 428 
   Balanced 37, 428
   conscious 24
   inconsistent 43, 412
   myths 418, 420
   over-compensation cycles 43,430
   Over-controlling 28, 430 
   Over-Indulger 50, 430 
   partners 22, 43, 
Perfectionistic Supervisor  31, 430
   permissive 36, 430
Power Patrol 29, 431
Under-controlling 33, 432
   summary sheet 48 
Parties, teen 316 
PASRR formula 7, 58, 430 
Passive
   anger 236
   communication 260 
Passive-aggressive anger 237
   communication 260 
Peers/Friends 62, 220
   acceptance 323
   bullies 199, 216
   cliqués 199, 295
   conflicts with 63, 204
   mediation 204, 208, 422
   non-violent conflict
   resolution 215
   parental concerns
   about 221
   pressure 92, 116, 295,  310, 323 
Perfectionism 103
   Declaration of Imperfection 16 

Perfectionistic
   Supervisors 31, 52
Permissiveness 36
Personality 65, 295
   accepting choices 123
   traits 295
Personal space 210
Perspective
   choosing 44, 237
Pets 136, 266, 274
Picky eaters 131, 164, 235, 309
Plan ahead 121
Playpens 163
PO problems 65, 289
   attention 322
   giving up 331
   identifying 319, 342
   payoffs 320
   positive goals 322
   power 325
   preventing 320
   revenge 328
   summary of steps 342
   using emotions to meet 334
   vs. PU 65, 289, 319
   with more than one goal 346
PO Toolset 58, 318, 343
Poems
   Autobiography in Five Short Chapters
   427
   Let go 160
   Listen 180
Positive goals of behavior 322
   identifying 346
Positive/negative reinforcement 90
Positive words 125
Potty training 156, 290, 291
   pressure to 422
Pouting 325
Power Patrols 29, 50, 52
Power struggles 123, 325
   preventing 123, 326
   redirecting 347
   tantrums 74
Praise 87
   “junkies” 91, 431
Prayer 240
Preaching 179
Prejudice 149
Preschoolers 75, 127, 292, 309
   (also see “Young children”)
   independence 157
Pressure
   from friends and relatives 412
   peer (see “Peers/Friends”) to spank 351,
   422
Preteens 75, 293
   common problems 310
   developmental issues 294
   independence 158
Prevention Toolbox 20, 58
   family councils 395
Pride 92, 429, 432
Privacy 155, 198, 214, 337
   after divorce 339
   need to know issues 155
Privileges
   earning 141
   restricting 70, 72, 364
Problem types 56
   C/P problems 70, 335
   Child problems 62, 167
   identifying 60, 77, 78, 288
   No problems 61, 167, 258
   overwhelming 73
Parent problems 63, 167, 230, 258
POProblems 65, 68, 319
PU problems 66, 288
   questions to identify 60
   SHARP RV 60, 62, 78
Problem solving 196, 200
   approach conflicts 174
   ask helpful questions 197
   discussing discipline 365
   family councils 204, 397
   lead-in questions 200

   no roles/labels 98 
   notice improvement 94 
   positive focus 93 
   PU problems 303 
   self-encouragement 105 
   self-image 86 
   self-motivation 91 
   tools 88, 108 
   unconditional love 88 
Self-image 86 
Self-talk 
   after praise 96 
   parental 105 
Separation 157, 308 
   security objects 188
   teens going out alone 381 
Setting limits 122, 270 
   with adults 417 
Sex 
   abuse; good/bad secrets 338 
   (also see “Child abuse”)
   premarital 295 
Shame 264 (also see “Guilt”) 
Sharing 81, 212, 292 
SHARP RV 60, 62, 78, 167 
Shopping 89, 136, 268, 280, 286,
   303, 328, 369, 422
Siblings 62, 207 
   apologies 217 
   bickering 214 
   bully/victim roles 216 
   feelings 170 
   fighting 216 
   intervening 208 
   mediation 204, 208 
   personal space 163, 210 
   property disputes 212 
   punishing 264 
   roles and labels 98 
   roughhousing 216 
   tattling 214 
   teasing 215 
Silent treatment 324, 328, 334 
Single parenting 90, 106
   (also see “Divorce”) 
   family councils 387, 390 
Sleep problems infants 307 
   resources 311
   toddlers 308 
Smart-aleck 267 
   (also see “Arguing,” “Disrespectful”) 
Spanking 336, 351 
   pressure to 422 
Spirited children 67, 295 
Spiritual references 41, 89, 240 
Spoiling 36, 87, 291, 308, 322, 351, 422
Sports 102, 365 
Stay-at-home parents 305 
   stress management 242 
Stealing 362 
Step-parenting 347 
   discipline 360 
Stress management 239 
   activities 239 
   for children 250
   personalized plan 246
   recharge styles 241
   resources 256
Strong-willed children
   (also see “Spirited” and “Power struggles”)
Suicide 103, 328
Summaries
   Balanced parenting style 48
   Clear Communication Toolset 283
   Cooperation Toolset 134
   detailed house 446
   Discipline Toolset 375
   discipline vs. punishment 359
   family council activities 403
   family council agenda 404
   Family Council Toolset 405
   F-A-X Listening Toolset 191
   Foundation-Building
Toolset 49
   Independence Toolset 161

T

Tantrums 74, 248, 325
   public 371
   resources 311
Tattling 214, 431
Taunting 215, 432
Teaching skills 144
   and ADHD 300
   behavior 147
   defense moves 217
   physical tasks 146
   role playing 202
   time management 293
   timing 95
   values 269
Teamwork 116, 323
Teasing 136, 215, 432
Teens 75, 294
   angry 256 
   choices 124
   chores 133
   clothing/hair styles 155, 315
   depression 251
   developmental issues 294
   driving 272, 364
   encouraging 95
   encouraging to talk 176
   fads 158
   family councils 390
   feelings 189
   friends/peers 221
   gangs 116, 218, 222
   independence 103, 158
   individuation 67, 158, 159
   jobs 136
   logical consequences 364, 368
   natural consequences 364
   parties 136
   peer pressure 116, 221
   privacy 155
   problem-solving 204
   rebellion 127, 158
   resources 311
   routines 132
   rules 132
   suicide 103
   values 269, 279
Telephone parents’ use 325
   teens’ use 310
Territory 214
Testing behavior 334
Therapy 18
Threats 69, 179, 354, 396
Throwing 308
Time-outs 369
   activities 371
   family 248
   individual plan 372
   locations 370
   parental 239
   power 431
   public 371
   setting time limits 372
Toddlers 75, 127, 291
   (also see “Young children”)

U

Unconditional love 88
   of self 106
Under-controlling parenting 33, 48
Universal Blueprint 60, 77, 78, 432
   ABC-123-D steps 57, 79
   identifying problem types 60
   individualized plan 59
   overview 9
   PASRR formula 58
   selecting tools 71
   summary 60, 77-79, 446
   toolbox 7, 432
   toolsets 8, 432

V

Values 62, 159, 269, 286
   conflict of 269
   religious 286
   teaching 149
   teens 279
Venters 173, 432
Victimization 118, 121, 338, 352
   sexual abuse 118
Violence/gangs 116, 218, 222
Visualization 240
Voting 38, 397
   temporary votes 399

W

Warnings 179
   (also see “Threats”)
Whining 126, 304, 308, 322
Wishes in fantasy 129
Withdrawal 330
Worksheets
   Anger Log 254
   Decision-Making
Worksheet 376
   Parenting Styles Quiz 26
   Problem-Solving 205
   Myth/Truth quiz 5

Y

Young children 153
   (also see “Toddlers,” “Preschoolers”)
   family councils 389
   feelings 188
   problem-solving 203
   sharing 81, 213