GLOSSARY OF TERMS
ABC-123-D Steps: (A) prevent the problem, (B) acknowledge feelings, (C1) set limits or express concerns, (C2) redirect misbehavior, (C3) reveal discipline, (D) maintain progress. Aggressive anger: Explodes at targets, hurting people physically or emotionally. Aggressive communication: Being firm, but not kind. Speakers uphold their rights in ways that violate the listeners’ rights. All-at-once learners: Children who practice several different new skills at once. All-or-nothing learners: Children who practice skills in only one area at a time, adding new skills to the ones they’ve already mastered. Assertive anger: Being honest about feelings without hurting others. Assertive communication: Being kind and firm. It upholds the speaker’s rights in ways that respect those of others. Autocratic parenting: Another name for an Over-controlling parenting style. Avoider: The most extreme type of under-controlling parenting style, characterized by an apathetic lack of interest and follow through. Its most extreme form is neglectful. Balanced independence: As children increase their skills, parents expand the limits, staying one step ahead. Children can handle the freedom responsibly. Balanced parenting style: A general parenting style that offers limited choices, uses respectful, reasonable parenting techniques, and has positive long-term results. B-E-D problem-solving method: Brainstorm ideas, Evaluate options, Decide and plan a solution. Behavior modification: Programs that reward subjects for desired behavior and withhold rewards or impose punishments for undesirable behavior. These methods are also called behavior charts, star/ sticker charts, and incentive programs. Blame game: Blaming others for power or revenge, rather than focusing on solutions. The blame game | is addictive and escalates into intense defensiveness and revengeful blame cycles. Bottom line: The basic limits, the minimum that must occur, or the least to settle for. There are usually more choices within bottom-line limits. Bribe: A tempting reward, designed to manipulate or influence someone to take a particular action. The focus is on external payoffs, instead of the value of the rule or request. Bribe junkies: People who are addicted to bribes and only do something if they get a reward. C (Child problem): The child has a problem that does not directly affect or concern the parent. Child-friendly: Making tasks or items more appealing to children, by using creative names for items or making tasks easier for children. Child Problem Toolbox: Contains the toolsets to use when others have problems. Clear Communication Toolset: Contains the tools for sharing feelings and concerns in simple, clear, respectful, and assertive ways. Consensus decision-making: Thinking together about a solution and discussing the matter until all agree on a plan. Conditional apologies: Apologizing for the way one expresses a valid reason for being upset. Conquerors: People who want to reach solutions quickly and logically. Consistency: Staying with a plan or getting back on track when we stray. Constructive criticism: Doesn’t exist—constructive builds up; criticism tears down. Contradictory messages: Begin to say one thing, but end up saying the opposite. Cooperation: Working together as a team toward win/win solutions. Team leaders focus on the value of the request or rule and offer choices within reasonable limits. People are self-motivated to cooperate for the internal payoffs received. |
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Cooperation Toolset: Contains tools that emphasize teamwork and promote cooperation, rather than demanding blind obedience. C/P: Part Child problem and part Parent problem that does not involve problem behavior. C/PO: Part Child problem, part Parent problem involving On purpose misbehavior. C/PU: Part Child problem, part Parent problem involving Unintentional misbehavior. Defiant compliance: Obeying a command in a hurtful or aggressive way. Descriptive encouragement: Describing children’s feelings, effort, or improvement, the value of the act, or how it was helpful. Developmentally delayed: Children who function below what is considered “normal” for their age. D.I.P. encouragement: Describe instead of labeling, focus on child’s thoughts, feelings or Internal qualities and focus on the Positive or what’s right. Discipline Toolset: Contains the tools for helping children learn from their mistakes (discipline), rather than making them suffer for their mistakes (punishment). Don’t Say “Don’t”: Avoiding the word “don’t,” by describing the behavior we want to see. Double messages: Sending two inconsistent messages. Double standards: Rules that apply to children, but not to parents. Children usually follow the parents’ example. Duping delight: The excitement of fooling someone. Ego-esteem: Believing we are better than others. People compete with others, trying to be the best or always win. Encouragement: Descriptive, non-judgmental comments that cause others to say positive things to themselves. External-rechargers: People who draw their energy from the world around them. They need to interact with other people or activities to get energy, calm down, or work through problems. | External Problem Solvers: People who work out their problems with others. Family Council Toolset: Contains tools for holding regularly scheduled family get-togethers to build self-esteem, discuss issues, make decisions, and solve problems that affect the family. Family goals: The qualities we want our family to have. F-A-X Listening process: Focus on feelings, Ask helpful questions, and X-amine possible solutions. F-A-X Listening Toolset: Contains tools that open the door to communication and acknowledge others’ feelings. Flash fires: Anger caused by events that push an emotional trigger button that sets off a sudden eruption. Foundation-Building Toolset: The beliefs and attitudes that affect our parenting style. Healthy competition: Doing one’s best, having fun, and learning skills in the process. Healthy guilt: A self-imposed feeling of regret that does not reduce one’s self-respect or self-worth. Healthy paranoia: Becoming aware of one’s words, thoughts, actions, and habits. Healthy pride: An inner sense of accomplishment and satisfaction that is not boastful or conceited. Inconvenience consequence: Follow through on discipline as soon as possible, even if it is inconvenient for the child, without adding suffering. Indecisive children: Children who are afraid that if they choose one thing, they’ll miss out on the other option. Independence Toolset: Contains tools that teach children life skills so they can handle more freedom responsibly. Individuation: The natural, necessary process of becoming an individual, with ideas, identity, beliefs, and values all one’s own. Individual goals for children: The skills and qualities we want children to develop. Individual needs: The different personalities and needs of each individual member of each individual family. |
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Internal problem solvers: People who prefer to do their problem solving alone. Internal rechargers: People who need time to be alone on a regular basis. They go within to regain control or recharge their energy supply. Keep Your Cool Toolset: Contains anger and stress management skills both parents and children can use. Learning styles: How people learn, remember and recall new information and skills. Maintenance Toolbox: Contains toolsets that maintain family and personal progress. Mediation: Taking turns, between two people, at each step of problem solving. NO (No problem): There is no problem or a problem is expected, but has not yet occurred. No “No’s”: Setting limits with positive words. “No thank you” helpings: Taking a small serving of each food, just to try it. Nudging is a firm and gentle encouragement to take the next step. Obedience: When an inferior person unquestioningly follows orders or commands from a superior. Superior wins/inferior loses. Motivation is usually from fear, not respect, and there is little or no choice for the inferior. It is a temporary solution that creates resentment and rebellion. Openly modeling behavior: Making internal (logical or emotional) processes something children can observe, usually by talking our way through the steps we normally take in our mind. Over-compensation cycle: One parenting partner thinks the other is too strict, so he or she becomes more lenient to counteract the other (or vice versa). Over-controlling independence: Children have the skills, but little freedom to use them. Children resent limits and push for more freedom. Over-controlling parenting style: A general parenting style that uses power tactics to control children’s behavior and has mostly negative long-term consequences. | Over-Indulger: The less extreme under-controlling parenting style, characterized by doting, rescuing, offering unnecessary service to children, few rules, and even less enforcement. P (Parent problem): The parent is experiencing a problem that does not bother the child. No problem behavior is involved. Parallel conversation: A low-pressure, nonchalant conversation that occurs during a side-by-side activity with no eye contact. Parenting myths: Inaccurate, but commonly accepted parenting information. Parenting style: A general set of beliefs, attitudes, and techniques parents use with their children. Parent Problem Toolbox: Contains the toolsets parents use to respond to problems or concerns that affect them, including misbehavior. PASRR formula: Prevent the problem, Acknowledge feelings, Set limits or express concerns, Redirect misbehavior, Reveal discipline. Passive anger: Stuffing angry feelings or hinting at them. Passive-Aggressive anger: Hurting others (aggressive) in passive ways. Passive communication: Being kind, but not firm. Speakers believe their rights are less important than the listeners’ rights. Perfectionistic Supervisor: The less extreme type of over-controlling parenting style, characterized by unrealistic expectations, rigid organizational structure, and correcting techniques. Permissive parenting: Another name for Under-controlling parenting style. Personal responsibility: Being responsible for and to oneself. Play fighting: When both children agree to play rough and no one is getting hurt. PO (Parent problem, “On purpose” misbehavior): The parent has a problem with misbehavior that seems intentional, to serve a purpose. PO misbehavior: Misbehavior that results when children mistakenly believe the behavior will help |
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them accomplish a specific purpose. Children are unaware of their subconscious beliefs and behavior choices. PO Toolset (Parent problem, “On purpose” misbehavior): Contains tools for identifying and redirecting misbehavior in children who have the skills to behave properly but choose not to. Power-and-control children: Children who debate and argue, so they can have some power or control in a situation. Power Patrol: The most extreme type of over-controlling parenting style, characterized by harsh, critical, power tactics. Its most extreme form is abusive. Power time-outs: Make children go to a chair, room, or isolated spot every time they misbehave. The parent sets a timer and the parent makes sure the child doesn’t have any fun while there. Everything about the timeout is decided and controlled by the parent. This is a form of unhelpful punishment. Praise: Comments that use judgmental labels that can accidentally cause discouragement or put negative pressure on others. Praise junkies: People who must get praise and approval from others to feel good about themselves or who won’t do something unless they get recognition or rewards. Prevention Toolbox: Contains toolsets that can prevent problems from developing or worsening. Problem-Solving Toolset: Contains tools that teach independent, responsible problem-solving and decision-making skills without taking over and solving problems for others. Progressive restrictions: Start with the least restriction and increase as the behavior continues. PU (Parent problem, Unintentional misbehavior): The parent has a problem with misbehavior that is the result of the child’s lack of maturity, skills, or knowledge. PU/PO mutations: When PU behavior gets a strong reaction, it can change (or mutate) into PO behavior. Because of the reaction, children believe the misbehavior can help them achieve a specific goal. Pushing is an unrealistic pressured expectation to reach the final goal all at once. | PU Toolset (Parent problem, Unintentional misbehavior): Contains tools that redirect mis-behavior resulting from children’s lack skills. Rebellion: A reaction to control. Every child individuates, but not all rebel. Individuation turns into rebellion when parents try to control children’s independence and individuality. Regression: When children revert to old, out-grown habits. Regressive restrictions: Start with the most restrictive but still reasonable limits. If all goes well, the next period is less restrictive, and so on, until all privileges are restored. Response-ability: The ability to accept the consequences of the choices we make. Ripple effect: When pebbles drop in a pond, the ripples start at the middle and expand outward. When one person in a family changes, it has some effect, usually small at first, but more obvious over time. Role model: One who sets an example. Routines: A regular, consistent way of doing a task or handling a situation. Sarcasm: A form of passive-aggressive anger. It disguises anger, blame, and criticism with humor. Secondary emotions: An emotion that comes after another feeling. The first feeling, which is closer to the real issue, causes the second feeling. Self-esteem: How we feel about our inside qualities. This includes our worth as a human being, sense of purpose in life, and how lovable we think we are. Self-Esteem Toolset: Contains tools that build self-esteem, encourage positive behavior, and stimulate internal motivation. Self-image: What we think about our outside appearance, what we think others see. This includes our looks, talents, popularity, or accomplishments. SHARP RV: The six problem areas that concern parents: Safety, Health,Appropriateness, Rights, Property, Rules,Values. Smoldering embers: Slow buildups of stressful situations that eventually spill over or erupt. Tattling: Telling an adult about another child’s behavior simply to get that child in trouble. |
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Taunting: Severe teasing that borders on cruelty. Teasing: Mean-spirited and hurtful treatment that often involves put-downs or name-calling. Telling: Letting an adult know that another child is doing something dangerous or someone is hurt. Transitional period: The time between birth (total dependency) and approximately 4 years, when children become physically independent. Three C’s: Contains tools for maintaining Consistency, handling Criticism, and boosting Confidence. Toolbox: Group of toolsets that deal with a particular type of problem. Each of the four major steps in the Universal Blueprint contains a toolbox, and each toolbox deals with a different type of problem. Tools: Individual parenting techniques, located within the toolset of the purpose they serve. Toolsets: Groups of skills that serve a common purpose, located at the appropriate step in which parents use them. Trial-and-error learners: Children who are willing to repeatedly try a new skill without getting discouraged. Trigger buttons: Conditioned reactions to events, usually due to unresolved childhood issues. Tweens: Elementary school-aged children through preteens. | Under-controlling independence: Children have few skills and too much freedom. They can’t handle the freedom responsibly. Under-controlling parenting style: A general parenting style that offers great freedom to children with few limits and has mostly negative long-term consequences. Unhealthy competition: Focuses on winning at others’ expense, being the best, or being better than others. Unhealthy guilt: Guilt that causes people to feel they are worthless. It may be imposed by others, to manipulate or control, or be self-imposed. Unhealthy pride: Thinking we are better than others. Universal Blueprint: A guide for identifying types of problems and planning an effective response to each. Unique personal style: The way individual parents express themselves while using the Universal Blueprint and its tools in individual ways. Venters: Emotional people who need more time to work through their feelings before thinking logically about solutions. Wait-and-do learners: Children who observe others and practice skills in their minds, until they think they know the skill well enough to perform it well. |