ABC-123-D Steps: (A) prevent the problem, (B) acknowledge feelings, (C1) set limits or express concerns, (C2) redirect misbehavior, (C3) reveal discipline, (D) maintain progress.
Aggressive anger: Explodes at targets, hurting people physically or emotionally.
Aggressive communication: Being firm, but not kind. Speakers uphold their rights in ways that violate the listeners’ rights.
All-at-once learners: Children who practice several different new skills at once.
All-or-nothing learners: Children who practice skills in only one area at a time, adding new skills to the ones they’ve already mastered.
Assertive anger: Being honest about feelings without hurting others.
Assertive communication: Being kind and firm. It upholds the speaker’s rights in ways that respect those of others.
Autocratic parenting: Another name for an Over-controlling parenting style.
Avoider: The most extreme type of under-controlling parenting style, characterized by an apathetic lack of interest and follow through. Its most extreme form is neglectful.
Balanced independence: As children increase their skills, parents expand the limits, staying one step ahead. Children can handle the freedom responsibly.
Balanced parenting style: A general parenting style that offers limited choices, uses respectful, reasonable parenting techniques, and has positive long-term results.
B-E-D problem-solving method: Brainstorm ideas, Evaluate options, Decide and plan a solution.
Behavior modification: Programs that reward subjects for desired behavior and withhold rewards or impose punishments for undesirable behavior. These methods are also called behavior charts, star/ sticker charts, and incentive programs.
Blame game: Blaming others for power or revenge, rather than focusing on solutions. The blame game
is addictive and escalates into intense defensiveness and revengeful blame cycles.
Bottom line: The basic limits, the minimum that must occur, or the least to settle for. There are usually more choices within bottom-line limits.
Bribe: A tempting reward, designed to manipulate or influence someone to take a particular action. The focus is on external payoffs, instead of the value of the rule or request.
Bribe junkies: People who are addicted to bribes and only do something if they get a reward.
(Child problem): The child has a problem that does not directly affect or concern the parent.
Child-friendly: Making tasks or items more appealing to children, by using creative names for items or making tasks easier for children.
Child Problem Toolbox: Contains the toolsets to use when others have problems.
Clear Communication Toolset: Contains the tools for sharing feelings and concerns in simple, clear, respectful, and assertive ways.
Consensus decision-making: Thinking together about a solution and discussing the matter until all agree on a plan.
Conditional apologies: Apologizing for the way one expresses a valid reason for being upset.
Conquerors: People who want to reach solutions quickly and logically.
Consistency: Staying with a plan or getting back on track when we stray.
Constructive criticism: Doesn’t exist—constructive builds up; criticism tears down.
Contradictory messages: Begin to say one thing, but end up saying the opposite.
Cooperation: Working together as a team toward win/win solutions. Team leaders focus on the value of the request or rule and offer choices within reasonable limits. People are self-motivated to cooperate for the internal payoffs received.




Glossary  of  Terms                                                                                                                         429


Cooperation Toolset: Contains tools that emphasize teamwork and promote cooperation, rather than demanding blind obedience. 
C/P: Part Child problem and part Parent problem that does not involve problem behavior. 
C/PO: Part Child problem, part Parent problem involving On purpose misbehavior. 
C/PU: Part Child problem, part Parent problem involving Unintentional misbehavior. 
Defiant compliance: Obeying a command in a hurtful or aggressive way.
Descriptive encouragement: Describing children’s feelings, effort, or improvement, the value of the act, or how it was helpful.
Developmentally delayed: Children who function below what is considered “normal” for their age.
D.I.P. encouragement: Describe instead of labeling, focus on child’s thoughts, feelings or Internal qualities and focus on the Positive or what’s right.
Discipline Toolset: Contains the tools for helping children learn from their mistakes (discipline), rather than making them suffer for their mistakes (punishment).
Don’t Say “Don’t”: Avoiding the word “don’t,” by describing the behavior we want to see.
Double messages: Sending two inconsistent messages.
Double standards: Rules that apply to children, but not to parents. Children usually follow the parents’ example.
Duping delight: The excitement of fooling someone.
Ego-esteem: Believing we are better than others. People compete with others, trying to be the best or always win.
Encouragement: Descriptive, non-judgmental comments that cause others to say positive things to themselves.
External-rechargers: People who draw their energy from the world around them. They need to interact with other people or activities to get energy, calm down, or work through problems.  
External Problem Solvers: People who work out their problems with others.
Family Council Toolset: Contains tools for holding regularly scheduled family get-togethers to build self-esteem, discuss issues, make decisions, and solve problems that affect the family.
Family goals: The qualities we want our family to have.
F-A-X Listening process: Focus on feelings, Ask helpful questions, and X-amine possible solutions.
F-A-X Listening Toolset: Contains tools that open the door to communication and acknowledge others’ feelings.
Flash fires: Anger caused by events that push an emotional trigger button that sets off a sudden eruption.
Foundation-Building Toolset: The beliefs and attitudes that affect our parenting style.
Healthy competition: Doing one’s best, having fun, and learning skills in the process.
Healthy guilt: A self-imposed feeling of regret that does not reduce one’s self-respect or self-worth.
Healthy paranoia: Becoming aware of one’s words, thoughts, actions, and habits.
Healthy pride: An inner sense of accomplishment and satisfaction that is not boastful or conceited.
Inconvenience consequence: Follow through on discipline as soon as possible, even if it is inconvenient for the child, without adding suffering.
Indecisive children: Children who are afraid that if they choose one thing, they’ll miss out on the other option.
Independence Toolset: Contains tools that teach children life skills so they can handle more freedom responsibly.
Individuation: The natural, necessary process of becoming an individual, with ideas, identity, beliefs, and values all one’s own.
Individual goals for children: The skills and qualities we want children to develop.
Individual needs: The different personalities and needs of each individual member of each individual family.  


430                                                                                                                 The  Parent’s  Toolshop


Internal problem solvers: People who prefer to do their problem solving alone.
Internal rechargers: People who need time to be alone on a regular basis. They go within to regain control or recharge their energy supply.
Keep Your Cool Toolset: Contains anger and stress management skills both parents and children can use.
Learning styles: How people learn, remember and recall new information and skills.
Maintenance Toolbox: Contains toolsets that maintain family and personal progress.
Mediation: Taking turns, between two people, at each step of problem solving.
NO (No problem): There is no problem or a problem is expected, but has not yet occurred.
No “No’s”: Setting limits with positive words.
“No thank you” helpings: Taking a small serving of each food, just to try it.
Nudging is a firm and gentle encouragement to take the next step.
Obedience: When an inferior person unquestioningly follows orders or commands from a superior. Superior wins/inferior loses. Motivation is usually from fear, not respect, and there is little or no choice for the inferior. It is a temporary solution that creates resentment and rebellion.
Openly modeling behavior: Making internal (logical or emotional) processes something children can observe, usually by talking our way through the steps we normally take in our mind.
Over-compensation cycle: One parenting partner thinks the other is too strict, so he or she becomes more lenient to counteract the other (or vice versa).
Over-controlling independence: Children have the skills, but little freedom to use them. Children resent limits and push for more freedom.
Over-controlling parenting style: A general parenting style that uses power tactics to control children’s behavior and has mostly negative long-term consequences.  
Over-Indulger: The less extreme under-controlling parenting style, characterized by doting, rescuing, offering unnecessary service to children, few rules, and even less enforcement.
(Parent problem): The parent is experiencing a problem that does not bother the child. No problem behavior is involved.
Parallel conversation: A low-pressure, nonchalant conversation that occurs during a side-by-side activity with no eye contact.
Parenting myths: Inaccurate, but commonly accepted parenting information.
Parenting style: A general set of beliefs, attitudes, and techniques parents use with their children.
Parent Problem Toolbox: Contains the toolsets parents use to respond to problems or concerns that affect them, including misbehavior.
PASRR formula: Prevent the problem, Acknowledge feelings, Set limits or express concerns, Redirect misbehavior, Reveal discipline.
Passive anger: Stuffing angry feelings or hinting at them.
Passive-Aggressive anger: Hurting others (aggressive) in passive ways.
Passive communication: Being kind, but not firm. Speakers believe their rights are less important than the listeners’ rights.
Perfectionistic Supervisor: The less extreme type of over-controlling parenting style, characterized by unrealistic expectations, rigid organizational structure, and correcting techniques.
Permissive parenting: Another name for Under-controlling parenting style.
Personal responsibility: Being responsible for and to oneself.
Play fighting: When both children agree to play rough and no one is getting hurt.
PO (Parent problem, “On purpose” misbehavior): The parent has a problem with misbehavior that seems intentional, to serve a purpose.
PO misbehavior: Misbehavior that results when children mistakenly believe the behavior will help 


Glossary  of  Terms                                                                                                                         431


them accomplish a specific purpose. Children are unaware of their subconscious beliefs and behavior choices.
PO Toolset (Parent problem, “On purpose” misbehavior): Contains tools for identifying and redirecting misbehavior in children who have the skills to behave properly but choose not to.
Power-and-control children: Children who debate and argue, so they can have some power or control in a situation.
Power Patrol: The most extreme type of over-controlling parenting style, characterized by harsh, critical, power tactics. Its most extreme form is abusive.
Power time-outs: Make children go to a chair, room, or isolated spot every time they misbehave. The parent sets a timer and the parent makes sure the child doesn’t have any fun while there. Everything about the timeout is decided and controlled by the parent. This is a form of unhelpful punishment.
Praise: Comments that use judgmental labels that can accidentally cause discouragement or put negative pressure on others.
Praise junkies: People who must get praise and approval from others to feel good about themselves or who won’t do something unless they get recognition or rewards.
Prevention Toolbox: Contains toolsets that can prevent problems from developing or worsening.
Problem-Solving Toolset: Contains tools that teach independent, responsible problem-solving and decision-making skills without taking over and solving problems for others.
Progressive restrictions: Start with the least restriction and increase as the behavior continues.
PU (Parent problem, Unintentional misbehavior): The parent has a problem with misbehavior that is the result of the child’s lack of maturity, skills, or knowledge.
PU/PO mutations: When PU behavior gets a strong reaction, it can change (or mutate) into PO behavior. Because of the reaction, children believe the misbehavior can help them achieve a specific goal.
Pushing is an unrealistic pressured expectation to reach the final goal all at once.
PU Toolset (Parent problem, Unintentional misbehavior): Contains tools that redirect mis-behavior resulting from children’s lack skills.
Rebellion: A reaction to control. Every child individuates, but not all rebel. Individuation turns into rebellion when parents try to control children’s independence and individuality.
Regression: When children revert to old, out-grown habits.
Regressive restrictions: Start with the most restrictive but still reasonable limits. If all goes well, the next period is less restrictive, and so on, until all privileges are restored.
Response-ability: The ability to accept the consequences of the choices we make.
Ripple effect: When pebbles drop in a pond, the ripples start at the middle and expand outward. When one person in a family changes, it has some effect, usually small at first, but more obvious over time.
Role model: One who sets an example.
Routines: A regular, consistent way of doing a task or handling a situation.
Sarcasm: A form of passive-aggressive anger. It disguises anger, blame, and criticism with humor.
Secondary emotions: An emotion that comes after another feeling. The first feeling, which is closer to the real issue, causes the second feeling.
Self-esteem: How we feel about our inside qualities. This includes our worth as a human being, sense of purpose in life, and how lovable we think we are.
Self-Esteem Toolset: Contains tools that build self-esteem, encourage positive behavior, and stimulate internal motivation.
Self-image: What we think about our outside appearance, what we think others see. This includes our looks, talents, popularity, or accomplishments.
SHARP RV: The six problem areas that concern parents: Safety, Health,Appropriateness, Rights, Property, Rules,Values.
Smoldering embers: Slow buildups of stressful situations that eventually spill over or erupt.
Tattling: Telling an adult about another child’s behavior simply to get that child in trouble. 



432                                                                                                                 The  Parent’s  Toolshop


Taunting: Severe teasing that borders on cruelty.
Teasing: Mean-spirited and hurtful treatment that often involves put-downs or name-calling.
Telling: Letting an adult know that another child is doing something dangerous or someone is hurt.
Transitional period: The time between birth (total dependency) and approximately 4 years, when children become physically independent.
Three C’s: Contains tools for maintaining Consistency, handling Criticism, and boosting Confidence.
Toolbox: Group of toolsets that deal with a particular type of problem. Each of the four major steps in the Universal Blueprint contains a toolbox, and each toolbox deals with a different type of problem.
Tools: Individual parenting techniques, located within the toolset of the purpose they serve.
Toolsets: Groups of skills that serve a common purpose, located at the appropriate step in which parents use them.
Trial-and-error learners: Children who are willing to repeatedly try a new skill without getting discouraged.
Trigger buttons: Conditioned reactions to events, usually due to unresolved childhood issues.
Tweens: Elementary school-aged children through preteens.  
Under-controlling independence: Children have few skills and too much freedom. They can’t handle the freedom responsibly.
Under-controlling parenting style: A general parenting style that offers great freedom to children with few limits and has mostly negative long-term consequences.
Unhealthy competition: Focuses on winning at others’ expense, being the best, or being better than others.
Unhealthy guilt: Guilt that causes people to feel they are worthless. It may be imposed by others, to manipulate or control, or be self-imposed.
Unhealthy pride: Thinking we are better than others.
Universal Blueprint: A guide for identifying types of problems and planning an effective response to each.
Unique personal style: The way individual parents express themselves while using the Universal Blueprint and its tools in individual ways.
Venters: Emotional people who need more time to work through their feelings before thinking logically about solutions.
Wait-and-do learners: Children who observe others and practice skills in their minds, until they think they know the skill well enough to perform it well.  
Leave a reply
Looking for Bedtime Routines To Make Bedtime Peaceful?Not Sleeping Comfortably In The Family Bed?

Leave Your Reply